Repeat Return

I run away from
You because of something
I did that I wish I hadn’t. I
Can’t face You, You will
Punish me, I deserve it but
Wish I didn’t. I
Finally realize I can’t
Hide from You, not
Now, not ever, so I
Drag myself, a lost boy who
Sometimes wants to stay
Lost, through muck and
Shame back to Your
Presence, and instead of
Punishment, Peace. Not
Peace like no fighting,
Peace like wholeness, like
Nothing was ever broken.
How can that be? I was
Broken, I
Still am.

Why would I ever leave this?

But I do, a lost boy who
Thinks he knows best, who
Thinks maybe it’s better to be
Lost sometimes. But I can
Never be. I wander again, make
Something more important than You, do
Something stupid, say
Something hurtful to
Someone You thought important
Enough to die for. Could
Be a long list.
Why have I left Your
Peace for a piece of
My American dream?

How many times can I
Screw up and crawl back to
You? Maybe this time You
Won’t be there, won’t take
Me back. I’ve used up my
Seventy times seven.
But I try again, turn
Back to You.
What else can I do?
Are You there?

Maybe not this time.

But when hope has
Slipped through the hole in
My pocket, You are there
On the horizon, running
Toward me, arms wide,
Welcoming me back, though
I am so far from deserving it.

I am shame and
You are Extravagant Grace and
I am found again.

David K. Carpenter
April 11, 2016